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TVR Random Notices/Episode 1
Meh. Transcript Spagetti Camerman: ANDZ WAEW LIZE! (lights turn on) Bob Toenails: Welcome to TVR Random Notices! I'm Bob Toenails! Our top headline, throughout this week, Feb-Ex has been smuggling KFC to Random City. Cleo reports. (cut to people unloading KFC bags out of the side door of a 1978 Winnebago Chieftain motorhome) Cleo: (in voiceover) Hundreds of below-sea level passageways wind like a maze linking the US state of California and the Random Region, providing a way for Randomians to maneuver around some trade embargoes (no trade embargoes have been placed on the Random Region by the United States for some reason) that took effect after Yukon Cornelius' drugged-up version of the Taliban took control of the Random Region. And while subterranean tunnels may seem like something out of a thrilling spy movie, the reality and practicality of these channels is somehow not surprising. After all, with the amount of conflict that continually plagues the region, it's no wonder that such extreme measures have been taken to provide safe® channels through which to access supplies generally unavailable in this controversial sliver of land. You want a lion? An Mexican bride in a wedding dress? Viagra? An SUV, a double-door fridge freezer that dispenses perfect ice cubes, cigarettes, guns, Trump chocolate from Trump Tower in New York, Trump Ice water, illegal drugs, ExtenZe, alcoholic beverages, the equipment for and the stars of the Monster Jam motorsports tour, construction equipment, motorbikes, weapons, circus big tops? No problem. According to Businessweek, these tunnels have often facilitated the flow of weapons and people into and out of the Random Region from the Los Angeles Harbor Region. However, reports have surfaced recently stating that these tunnels are also being used to — wait for it — smuggle lukewarm KFC into the Random Region. Yum. Yes, it would appear that the fact there's only one KFC in the Random Region, in the Arabic-occupied city of Alwaleed Town, among other things, made it exceedingly difficult to open an KFC branch outside that city. But now, unfulfilled-crave frustration has finally hit a tipping point, forcing the other Randomians to resort to not-so-fast food smuggling to get their quick fix. A crucial link in this supply and demand food chain is the Koopa & Minions Smugglers delivery company, which has made eating KFC outside of Alwaleed Town a greasy, miraculous reality. King Koopa: I shall make tons of money with this scheme! YAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Cleo: (in voiceover) The service requires first placing an international telephone order, making a payment by wire transfer, an American taxi driver to pick up the food from a franchise in the Town of Apple Valley in the Victor Valley of San Bernardino County, in the US state of California, the crew of a boat with heated food storage to bring it to Santa Catalina Island where the tunnels start, couriers to bring it through the half-mile tunnels in heated food storage boxes, a North Korean-immigrant taxi driver, paid 12 pencil shavings a fortnight, to deliver it from the Game Town harbor to the Random Region castle of the Evil King of the Koopas and the entrepreneur behind the scheme, and a fleet of motorbikes to take the chicken and chips – by now, hot as fuck – to their final destination. And it comes cheap: a bucket of 12 pieces of chicken plus chips costs around ₱12, which equals $1 in US dollars. Enough people in Gaza appear to think it's worth the wait to make King Koopa's venture a cautious success. In recent weeks he has delivered around 100 meals, making a $6 profit on each. Category:News Category:Specials